Sabbath

Do you ever feel like God is chasing you down? I did. If I could describe my September with one image, it would be a marathon. Hustle, to-do lists, deadlines, accomplishments. I measured successful days as effective ones and wore my “productive person” label just a little prouder than any other. I spent the last month running as fast as I could toward something, anything that would make me feel worthy and the only thing that made me feel worthy was climbing the next milestone mountain before anyone else. More money in the bank, more degrees, more hobbies, more friends. I woke up almost every morning anxious to run toward whatever marker I had to reach that day to go to bed a little more accepting of myself. Oh, and all along the run, I had to maintain a polished, perfect smile. I wanted to pack my hours full of hustle but look calm, peaceful, content.

But I was bone tired, spiritually dry, and terribly disoriented. And I got sick. Little elementary illnesses brought me down one right after the other. I was exhausted of my own striving and God stopped me. I felt God’s heavy hand on my shoulder. Sit down Emily.

So this month I started walking through my life. And I had to walk through some sad truths about my priorities. I realized that I had been ticking interaction with my friends and family off my list like every other task and missing the connection completely. So I put my phone and my planner way and looked my husband in the eye when he told me about his day. I sipped my coffee and laughed with my friends and ignored the nagging voice talking to me about the next application due. I woke up earlier and I sat in the lamp light and prayed and cried and read scripture and wisdom and poetry. I realized that I missed the joyful girl who cries over Christmas decorations going up and I don’t care for the girl who snaps at the too slow waitress.

Today I’m chiseling out some sacred space. This season, I’m only running when I have to, and I am being gentle with myself. I know I will run myself into the ground if I don’t insist on a taste of the Sabbath every morning. Thank you God for stopping me, and making me look at myself, showing me how to forgive myself, and letting me see your footprints in the sand of my life.

“What kills a soul? Exhaustion, secret keeping, image management.
And what brings a soul back from the dead? Honestly, connection, grace.”

• Shauna Niequist